Tag Archives: emotions

Jan17

Zen, SAMe and Ear Wax

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Zen, SAMe and Ear Wax

I have had a bad week. Last Thursday, after a shower, I dried my ear with a twist of toilet paper and plugged up one ear. I ignored it, and on Friday I increased my SAMe intake from two tablets a day to three, shrugging off the warning of increased agitation.

Saturday morning the ear was still plugged up so I went after it with a Qtip, driving the wax so far into my ear that it triggered feelings of claustrophobia. To distract myself, I went to see “Zero Dark Thirty” about brutal interrogation, waterboarding, and a Seal assault leading to death. I was so overwhelmed with the feeling of suffocation I had to leave the theater three times in the first hour. The feeling of being choked was so strong I actually took off my necklace. Yet I took a third SAMe for the day right after the movie.

AKD-sadToddlerSaturday night I felt like I was dying. My mind said, “it’s just earwax. You’re not going to die of earwax.” but my body really ached up the center line from my solar plexus to my heart.
My early-life decision came back: No one would help me. They were going to leave me me die. I had such a strong “felt sense” of being a sick child with plugged ears and a stuffed nose and not being able to breathe. I felt like I was being punished for being bad.

I know that at the age pictured, with two smokers in their early 20s for parents, I had frequent bouts of tonsillitis and upper respiratory congestion. My long hair would get matted when I was sick and I hated having it combed out. In frustration, they may have decided to “just let her cry.”

I kept going outside for walks in the 25-degree night because it was the only time I felt I had enough space or enough air. My mind said, “You don’t breathe through your ears. This is discomfort. You can tolerate it.” I did not wake up my husband because there was nothing he could do to help me. I started to understand what Xanax is for.

Vulnerable means Woundable. Can we try “Receptive”?

I try to fix things myself. I was so frustrated that I could not see into my ear. I knew the Emergency Room on a Sunday in January would be full of people with the flu coughing on me because ear wax would be called last. By mid-morning I realized that a neighbor I sometimes speak to is a retired doctor. I knocked on her door at noon. Nothing.

By mid-afternoon she was back and was happy to rinse out my ear with a dilute solution of hydrogen peroxide. She got it unplugged. I was SOO relieved. Went to the store and got her a $20 bottle of French wine. But I didn’t sleep that night. The agitation was almost as bad, except this time I could hear with both ears. I found a pile of leaves on the sidewalk nearby. Crunching though them at midnight calmed me.

Monday morning it took 2 hours to get a doctor appointment, and they wouldn’t give me one on the same day. Another bad night, but I stayed inside. Tuesday the young doctor scraped the wax off my eardrums and it hurt! “I thought you had suction!” I yelped. But I can hear better now.

What I Learned

As toddlers, we really are helpless, but the “learned helplessness” can be crippling in later life and can become part of the foundation of depression. To climb out of the harmful early leaning, I can learn to look for the Helpers, and to ask for help. I now have tools that I did not have as a pre-schooler, including Reiki, Zen Mind, Compassion and other spiritual and mental tools.

I should let my ears drain naturally, not even a hair dryer, because ear wax is supposed to stay pliable so it doesn’t stick to your eardrum. Lateral jaw action and an occasional, single drop of mineral oil in the ear will help keep it pliable.

I should have started the search for an ear doctor right away. The feeling of dying can be very scary. Three SAMe tablets is too many.
MindNoMind

Dec19

Movement Fills an Empty Heart

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Movement Fills an Empty Heart

The opposite of play is not work. The opposite of play is depression. My study of depressed women who were successfully treated through endurance running upholds the power of movement and play to fill an aching heart. Through running, these women discovered a source of vitality and emotional confidence without a lot of intellectual investigation. The physical play bypassed the cognitive roadblocks and built new neural pathways to happiness.

Stuart Brown, M.D.
PLAY: How it Shapes the Brain,
Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul

Oct31

Augusten Burroughs This Is How

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Augusten Burroughs This Is How

Just a quick note on Augusten Burroughs (a chosen name, not the one he was born with) and his “help for the self overcoming shyness, molestation, fatness, spinsterhood, grief, disease, lushery, decrepitude and more, for young and old alike.” Gotta say, he sure know how to include keywords in his title!

He doesn’t exactly address fatness, instead he tells a sad tale about anorexia. His solution? Tough love. Give the anorexic a ton of money, tell her you love her, kick her out and never EVER give her another piece of advice. I’ll bet his technique has a low survival rate. And I’ll further bet that his survival rate is just as good as current therapy.

Overcoming lushery: he is an expert, having nearly killed himself with alcoholism. During his recovery he wrote the book “Dry.” His recommended technique? Want something more than booze. This, by the way, is also the way to overcome decrepitude.

Therapy? That was the best advice. This from page 121:

Augusten Burroughs This Is HowFor years, I believed [discussing my past in therapy] was how to live.
I was wrong.
It’s how to stagnate.
I know now how to get over the past.
It has worked for me in a deeper, more enduring way than any therapy I have ever had.
Writing six autobiographical books is what freed me from my past.

“Dry” was one of those autobiographical books. On page 177 of this book he tells a mother who lost a son to alcoholism a hard fact. “The fact she was missing was HIS fact. He loved alcohol. He died doing what he loved most.”

How to overcome Spinsterhood? Meet lots of people by every means possible. Use a different dry cleaner. Go to different grocery stores. Talk to people and present yourself as you are, not the gussied-up version of yourself. If you want someone who will love you as you actually are, present yourself as you actually are.

He ends with a detailed description of the slow death of his partner from debilitating disease. The book is an essay on the meaning of life which he boils down to Be Here Now. Fully Present. Don’t be afraid of the disease. When the symptoms arrive, you will cope with them and it will be okay. The fear of torture is much worse than the torture itself.

This is a good book. Recommended.

Aug1

Rainy Brain, Sunny Brain

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Rainy Brain, Sunny Brain

Author Elaine Fox tells us that Optimism is more than feeling good’ it’s about being engaged with a meaningful life,developing resilience, and feeling in control. Optimistic realists, she says, don’t believe that good things will come if they simply thing happy thoughts. Instead, they believe at a very deep level that they have some control over their destinies.

Often, the control is imaginary, and mildly depressed people have a more accurate understanding that the control is an illusion. But optimistic people seem to attract good luck and good fortune. Is optimism hard-wired or can we create a healthy brain?

“Look on the bright side. I always do,” says Magic Johnson. This is a powerful technique for brain health. Research shows that people who “flourish” experience about 3 good feelings for every bad one. If you want your marriage to be happy, crank it up to 5 good feelings for every negative one.

Other techniques are mindfulness meditation, especially Jon Kabat-Zinn’s mindfulness-based stress reduction techniques. This balances and calms the brain. The Buddhist practice labeling our feelings and treating them as nothing more objects of attention can encourage a sense of detachment.

When there is more activity on the right side of the brain (right-sided asymmetry) there is more of an experienced of stress and fearfulness which produces more cortisol. More activity in the left half of the brain, relative to the right, is related to a tendency to approach good things, while more relative activity in the right half is associated with avoidance of bad things. Brain scans of withdrawn or depressed people typically show higher activity on the right side side. This presents a challenge for left-handed people because the right side of the brain is dominant.

Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MSBR), developed by Jon Kabat-Zinn at the University of Massachusetts, is described in Wikipedia as:

… having a variety of very powerful benefits including an increase in the body’s immune system’s ability to ward off disease, a shift from the right prefrontal cortex (associated with anxiety, depression, and aversion) to the left prefrontal cortex (associated with happiness, flow, and enjoyment). Other benefits include a reduction in stress hormones such as cortisol, and an improvement in one’s overall happiness and well-being in life.

Author Elaine Fox also explains the physiology of people who maintain their composure in the face of stress. They have more and better connections between the prefrontal cortex which moderates and tamps down a jangling amygdala which enables them to have a “very long fuse.” They are slow to anger and they calm down quickly after they are upset. They also tend to have a wider circle of friends, enjoy higher status and earn more money.

In contrast, people with an overactive amygdala and limited connections to the more thoughtful prefrontal cortex behave more like Donald Duck. They appear over-reactive and coworkers and others tend to avoid them or “walk on eggshells” around them. They have fewer friends and earn less.

Overall, the book was optimistic that people can choose to think good thoughts and shift their outlook to a positive one in which they feel they have control over their lives and the outcomes of their actions. Recommended

Jul10

Traveling With Others Is Challenging

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Traveling With Others Is Challenging

Paris Bus 69I was talking with some French classmates and Russ recently returned from a 3 week trip with his partner, Claire, and her brother and his wife from Des Moines. Claire is fluent in French and plans carefully, as do I. Russ said, “I just drive. She tells me where. It works out.” So my hypothesis is that planners typically pair with spontaneous people because, as Russ said, it works out.

I am lucky that my first trip to Paris was 50 years ago. It was a gift from my very devout Godmother who took me to every church in Paris. And London. And Rome. And then we went to Lourdes for the Feast of the Assumption on August 15. Along with every other devout Catholic on five continents. But I was 15 and I learned a lot.

My second trip was when I was 21 and I spent my time shopping. Spent every penny I had. It was great but just a few days because I didn’t have many pennies.

Nine years ago I went back to Paris with my sister Peggy who is an artist. We spent all our time in the museums. Four days. Louvre, d’Orsay, Pompidou, Rodin. plus another four days in London just seeing art (Peggy used to live in London). I was finally satisfied with Impressionism. It is fun going to museums with someone who loves and understands art and is enthusiastic about hiking to one more gallery.

It is a drag going to museums with someone who wants to be “on vacation.” Because the art in the Louvre is mostly naked ladies, I made sure my husband saw Venus deMilo and the ancient Roman and Greek (naked) statues and the magnificence of the palace. But he was brain dead after six hours. The crowds and jet-lag were hammering us.

Paris Musee de l' ArmeeI kept it down to one museum a day and made sure he got plenty of good food (easy). He got one “free” day while I went shopping so he went to the Army Museum. He just paid the day rate because it was cheaper than getting a Museum Pass that spanned our whole visit. The lines are not long at the Army Museum. Where the pass really comes in handy is skipping the lines at the Louvre, Pompidou, etc. He really liked the Army museum, especially learning that “Detail” is the name of the artist who painted battle scenes in what we now call “great detail.” [Or maybe that’s what the museum put under the images and he misinterpreted it as the artist’s name. You never know.]

I guess Russ and Claire were guiding her brother and his wife on their “big trip” and Russ was exasperated by their Des Moines attitude. He said, “They didn’t understand why everyone didn’t speak English!”

Frankly, I was afraid my husband would be the same way, but he plunged in with enthusiasm, buying “billets” at the metro as soon as we arrived. So I will plan a longer trip that includes Versailles and the Dordogne. Russ went to the Dordogne and saw the caves. I have not seen any of his pictures and I am eager to hear the details of his trip. He loved Bruges.

People who have been subjected to the Devout Catholic stuff may be less enthusiastic about the religious grandeur of some sites. Howard climbed the steps at Notre Dame. His photos of the gargoyles and the roofs of Paris are breathtaking. I skipped it because I thought the climb would be breathtaking. [huff-huff]

My idea of “spontaneous fun” in Paris is getting on a bus and seeing where it goes, especially at rush hour when you get to see what people wear to work. You have time to look in all the shop windows when traffic is slow. If you have a Pass Navigo, you can hop off and hop back on. Do lots of window shopping from the comfort of your bus seat.

Jun6

Lizz Free Or Die – Lizz Winstead

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Lizz Free Or Die – Lizz Winstead

Lizz Free Or DieLizz Winstead, a comedy writer on the team that created the original “The Daily Show”, grew up in Minnesota as a progressive in a conservative Catholic household. Her series of “messays” (messy essays) shows how it shaped her ambition. As the youngest, she was the family comedian. I always wondered what happened to Catholic girls who grew up in a relatively happy and safe family. It looks like this one drove herself too hard, became very angry and hard to work with, burned out on a couple of important jobs, and developed writers block.

How very interesting! I thought all this only happened to people with unhappy childhoods! But no, Lizz talks about how “Lizzilla” developed and breathed fire not only on the job, but on her Moroccan vacation. Lizz got a lot of pushback as her early career evolved from ordinary girl humor to political humor but she got a luck break to develop a daily TV show of satirical news reporting. The bad news is: they made her the head of the writing team and she had no experience with (1) TV or (2) leading a team of writers. As she tried harder, she got more stressed, her jokes got meaner and she got gone before Jon Stewart arrived.

It was hard to make a living afterwards, but she finally landed a job on Air America, the new liberal radio network that was supposed to counter Rush Limbaugh and Glen Beck. Problem was: (1) she did not hide her scorn for the network’s owners and (2) she didn’t know radio. On the plus side, she persuaded a talented radio personality from Northampton, Massachusetts to move to NYC to join their network. Rachel Maddow.

I liked Lizz’s writing and her inventiveness with language. I certainly agree with her anti-Catholic politics. I think she might have been a casualty of the “you can have it all” myth that was going around in the 70s and 80s. It took her a year longer than she expected to finish the book because it was so hard to stay focused when she was simultaneously trying to write comedy routines.

I understand feeling scattered and I wish I blogged more. Sigh.

Jul12

Waking The Tiger – Healing Trauma

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Waking The Tiger – Healing Trauma
Waking The Tiger – Healing Trauma

This 1997 book subtitled “The Innate Capacity to Transform Overwhelming Experiences” is by Peter A. Levine, Ph.D. I read this book quickly over three days and agree that it is ground-breaking. I now have a better understanding that effects of unresolved trauma include constant hyper-vigilance and the gnawing expectation of the worst possible outcome. This produces a constant flow of adrenaline (epinephrine) which leads to the clean-up hitter cortisol, two stress hormones chronically generated by the remnants of unresolved trauma.

Dr. Levine points out that there are THREE things on the menu: fight, flight and freeze. Many trauma-sufferers are frozen in “freeze,” never completely coming out of the unresolved trauma. This unresolved trauma might be an underlying factor in depression which is associated with chronic over-production of cortisol. Movement, particularly shaking, shivering, quaking, are ways to blow off the trauma. Dr. Levine says,

“Post-traumatic symptoms are, fundamentally, incomplete physiological responses suspended in fear. Reactions to life-threatening situations remain symptomatic until they are completed. Post-Traumatic stress is one example.”

In his TED talk below, Nobel Prize winner Daniel Kahneman says that what defines memories/stories are:

  1. changes
  2. emotionally significant moments
  3. endings

with endings being the most important factor in what constitutes memory. Happy endings typically yield happy memories, even if the event was difficult leading up to the happy ending. In “Waking the Tiger,” Dr. Levine’s therapy leverages this in his therapeutic practice which involves re-enacting the traumatic memory with the patient but changing the ending to a better outcome. You might notice in Dr. Kahneman’s TED talk about the difference between the left-brain “remembering self” and the right-brain “experiencing self.” This is the fundamental distinction made by Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor’s in her “Stroke of Insight.”

Apr30

How to Build a Personality Disorder

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How to Build a Personality Disorder

Last weekend I went camping with a group of people, including a five-year old boy.  He was a delight and the apple of his parents eyes.  He was a late-in-life gift, arriving when his two older sisters were already in high school.  Diego and I spent several hours building sandcastles as part of the Doran Beach Sand Castle Competiton.  He wanted to win, and he looked triumphant when  his picture was taken with “Mr. Diego,” his pyramid-like sand creation with two sticks poking out at rakish angles.

I found myself thinking about the obituary of Dr. James Masterson who died on April 12.  Dr. Masterson won fame by pointing out that personality disorders like Narcissism and Borderline Personality Disorder are created by mistreating toddlers aged 18 to 36 months old.  It was clear that Diego had a very good opinion of himself and that he has been praised often.  Luckily, he has two big sisters who gave him frequent reality adjustments.  He had none of the black/white, on/off, love/hate fast-changing emotions of kids whose caregivers withhold love as punishment, then get all gooey when they feel guilty later on.  He was full of energy and ideas and loved to play.

Other kids were going around stomping on unguarded sand castles.  Not Diego.  He was inventing new games for chasing floating toys in the surf. What a joy!